"But you're not overweight, you're not! I wish I had your body."
It's all words. No one would like to have this, be trapped in this and desperately trying to lose weight and failing. How little can I eat? Every day turns into a fight where hunger is my enemy. And it rings in my ears "I don't get it, you used to be so thin". Used to be. Used to be so thin it hurt to sit down for more than five minutes, but atleast I was thin and I didn't get to hear that I was overweight, that I had bad character.
It's the same words when they tell me "You used to be so happy and charming". Always used to be. And so I learn that I am unhappy and not charming in the least, that I am just awkward and a social outcast.

I tried to be different. I tried so hard being my old self, and I thought I had succeeded. But one crisis is all it takes to bring me down, and my shrink tells me hollow words on how it will get better, and I need to get that degree. And I just can't see why. A degree will bring me nothing when I can't breathe.
I used to be so much. Now I'm just a shell and I pretend that I am fine, because no one wants to hear of my troubles. I let others cry on my shoulder as much as they want, but I can't bring myself to do the same, because I'm so scared they will push me away. Because they all do. And then nothing prevents them from bringing out my secrets to everyone.

I remember the days I just didn't care. I worried so little and my anxiety was more a constant than something that worried me. Funny, I know, but I was past the line where I cared. And I didn't know why, why I had given up already and just went around in life. I woke up, I gamed, and I sometimes did my thaiboxing where I got beaten up but just didn't feel anything.

And now I find myself in the same spot. I wake up, I game, and I curse if I ever get hungry (not that I have much of an appetite anyway) because it demands that I do something. I go out with the cat for his sake, and where I used to care if people saw me or talked to me, I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter what I say or if I behave awkwardly, because few things matter. There's probably some things that matter, but it gets harder for every day to actually see them. And to see myself.

It gets better, people say. Soon you will be back to your old self, and all I feel is "why?". Why should I fight? If the few times I had fought, it turned out to shit anyway, why should I even try.
Because I'm still deadly scared that people will be disappointed by me. That I will go through life and do nothing. It keeps me awake every night, the knowledge that I have done NOTHING and my apathy will keep me from doing something. And the anxiety puts a grip around my heart and makes it hurt and makes it so hard to breathe.
I'm so scared of dying and knowing that I never done anything to make anyone remember me. I remember writing that one day, people would look in their photos and say "look there, that's a old friend of mine. I can't remember her name, but we were friends". Like I was someone just passing by their life, like a shadow.

But I function. I live every day like it doesn't matter in the end, because in the end we all go to dust anyway. And whatever I have done in this life wont matter at all, because I still lost those most precious to me, and I will keep losing them. I will never be able to stop it, no matter what I do.
Perhaps that is what hurts the most. Knowing what I have lost and what I can never have again.