I remember the days I just didn't care. I worried so little and my anxiety was more a constant than something that worried me. Funny, I know, but I was past the line where I cared. And I didn't know why, why I had given up already and just went around in life. I woke up, I gamed, and I sometimes did my thaiboxing where I got beaten up but just didn't feel anything.

And now I find myself in the same spot. I wake up, I game, and I curse if I ever get hungry (not that I have much of an appetite anyway) because it demands that I do something. I go out with the cat for his sake, and where I used to care if people saw me or talked to me, I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter what I say or if I behave awkwardly, because few things matter. There's probably some things that matter, but it gets harder for every day to actually see them. And to see myself.

It gets better, people say. Soon you will be back to your old self, and all I feel is "why?". Why should I fight? If the few times I had fought, it turned out to shit anyway, why should I even try.
Because I'm still deadly scared that people will be disappointed by me. That I will go through life and do nothing. It keeps me awake every night, the knowledge that I have done NOTHING and my apathy will keep me from doing something. And the anxiety puts a grip around my heart and makes it hurt and makes it so hard to breathe.
I'm so scared of dying and knowing that I never done anything to make anyone remember me. I remember writing that one day, people would look in their photos and say "look there, that's a old friend of mine. I can't remember her name, but we were friends". Like I was someone just passing by their life, like a shadow.

But I function. I live every day like it doesn't matter in the end, because in the end we all go to dust anyway. And whatever I have done in this life wont matter at all, because I still lost those most precious to me, and I will keep losing them. I will never be able to stop it, no matter what I do.
Perhaps that is what hurts the most. Knowing what I have lost and what I can never have again.